I wake up and do the whole morning ritual of brushing my teeth, taking a shower and getting dressed. While brushing my teeth my dad tells me that in three days I’m going to get very sick and die two days after that. Laughing I tell him I’m not gullible. He tells me that I forgot to use filtered water to brush my teeth and now I’m going to get Typhoid. #@$&!. My dad tut-tuts my language, says it’s been nice knowing each other and prances down to breakfast.
Panicking I look around and realize that my dad took our filtered water. Swearing, I keep on searching, finally I find the solution to my problem…Sanitizer. I open my mouth wide, squeeze my eyes together, tense my throat so I don’t swallow any sanitizer and…squirt. It burnssss. I jump around the room howling like an elephant giving birth. I dot care if I die of typhoid any more so I open the water tap to the max and rinse my mouth for ten minuets.
I shuffle into the dining room head bowed in embarrassment. My dads face sports a surprised expression…he starts laughing. Sputtering he tells me that we actually got a vaccine for typhoid, shocked, I sit down at the table, my ego is completely destroyed.
After a long counseling session with my dad I decide to go to school. At the school I drink lots of coffee to drown my sorrows as my teacher looks at me like I’m the leader of the of the KKK. I learned nothing today.
After my very anti-educational class of Spanish, today, my dad and I run of to quickly consume, in a very timely fashion, crepes.
My dad looks at his watch, let’s out a yelp, says that we are late for the bus, straps our luggage to his back and we skitter off.
By our bus we meet the French couple we are traveling with, my dad grunts a salute to them, he can’t speak because of the luggage on his back. I tell me dad to stop lolygaging, snap my fingers towards the trunk of our bus and tell him to “deposit” our bags.
We get on our bus and our insane looking bus driver apologizes that the air-conditioning is broken and tells us we are in for a “hell bent ride”. He sure was right.
Six hours later an innocent bystander would have seen four very disoriented, pasty tourists with articles of clothing being worn on the wrong body parts, leap out of a bus before it even stopped. The tourists then continued to forcefully take ice from a bartender, grind it down into their gizzards by the pound and rub the ice over the face while sighing phrases of content in random languages.
Wanting to escape prying looks of locals we (the tourists) run of to our hotel in the jungle(Btw we are in the Caribbean, Rio Dulce). We are guided by a very concerned hotel secretary to our rooms. By the time we arrive at our swaying cabin on the lake the secretary has come to the conclusion that we have asthma, I guess she doesn’t like people with asthma because she told us to beware of the gigantic cannibalistic cockroaches and took the fan in our room because she said-“it’s getting stuffy in my office with only two fans”….evil.
I walk into my room and see three huge cockroaches prowling around my bed, their whiskers twitching, every other minuet they lift their arses in unison and poop perfectly round balls. Shuddering I bribe my dad to let me sleep in his bed. I climb into the bed, zip tie the mosquito net to the bed using thirty zip ties….only then do I realize I need to go to the washroom. Laughing my dad un-zip ties me and I tiptoe to the washroom, take a piss and re-zip tie my bed.
I dreamt that my ear was being munched off by cockroaches, there was an angel flying above me but it was to busy dancing a waltz with God to help me.